Today’s BlogHer Promt is a great one:
If you could redo one moment in your life, what would it be and why? How would it change who you are now?
Ah, one moment? It’s a toss up for me. In my left hand, I have the story of the first time I met a girl who I’ll call “K” who was dating the older of two brothers. In my right hand, a story of bottles. Today, I’m choosing my right hand and keep the other story for another day.
Bottles? Yup, bottles. Baby bottles, to be exact. When I had my first daughter I was certain I was going to bottle feed, and and any doubts I had went out the window when my cervix tore and I lost a lot of blood and was a little MORE out-of-it post-birth than the average mama. We purchased fancy Dr. Brown’s bottles and my baby girl drank and grew and was mostly happy and healthy. The bottles were treated with care – sterilized prior to each use and replaced at the smallest sign of wear…you know, first time parent awesomeness. When she was weaned off the bottle, I knew we would try for more children, and I carefully sterilized and packed up the bottles to save for the future. It was the same thing I did with clothes, blankets, infant toys. I was being a good mom. I was pleased with myself.
Two and half years later when we welcomed our second daughter into the world, I weakly tried breastfeeding and fell back into bottle-feeding quite quickly. I was second-baby tired and happy I didn’t have to buy new bottles. They worked and were cared for in the same manner as with my oldest. I never thought twice about it. Until about two years later when she had her first non-fever related seizure. Already knowledgeable about epilepsy and seizures, I dove headfirst into the murky waters of “online research” searching for answers that my brain knew didn’t exist. I wanted the cause. The definitive cause for my child’s seizures. I read a few articles suggesting plastic with BPA. The bottles I cared for and lovingly saved were made before the “BPA-free” plastic revolution in all baby and children’s products. Those bottles that my daughter drank from every day had BPA in them. They were warmed and sterilized and USED frequently. I asked our neurologist who told me I was crazy, but still, I wondered. The unknown is what gets me every time.
And so it is for this reason, that if I could redo a moment, I would have thrown away those bottles. I would have purchased new ones (I would also tell the younger me that she should really stick with breastfeeding/pumping – cause it can be done). Perhaps the person I would be now would NOT have a child who had seizures and the challenges related to those seizures. Or perhaps I would be the same mom in the same position, but without the guilt associated with a “what if.” I guess we’ll never know.