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The Green Journal

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A wise and dear friend of mine suggested I write.  She understands that there’s a lot in my head right now, a lot that probably is better off out of my head.  After some deliberation, I concluded that she was right (of course).  But where?  And how?  I could not use this blog, because, let’s face it – no one wants or needs to be taken on this journey with me.  A journal!  Yes!  I would buy myself a nice new journal, and I would write.

I looked at Walmart and Sam’s Club since I was already there, but there was nothing.  I knew the bookstore was the place to go, and set aside time after school to visit our local Barnes and Nobles.  I was also in need of a gift, so, this was the perfect plan.  Perfect.

Until I walked through the kindly-held-open door into the store, and  took in a long, deep breath.  Bookstore smell.  I love it.

We love it.  We LovED it.

My mom and I loved to walk around the bookstore browsing through Steven King novels, magazines, trinkets, and cookbooks.  I immediately retreated to the restroom to recover from the newly accumulating tearstorm behind my glasses.   I pass the cookbooks on my way.  I pulled myself together and selected two cookbooks.  One as a gift and one for myself.  The cookbooks are carefully chosen with the right picture to recipe ratio that my mom and I preferred.  Have I mentioned how many cookbooks she has accumulated?  A lot.  A new one almost every trip to the bookstore or holiday.  My mom was the BEST cook.  Ever.

I remember my task and head towards the journal section and pass the greeting cards.  Have I mentioned how my mom ALWAYS remembered to send cards for holidays and birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas and Easter and everything?  Always.  I choose a birthday card to send to my brother next week and put a reminder in my phone to list the important dates so I can continue her tradition.

So I can.

I finally reach the journals and alongside them are these  “guided” or specialty journals. Couple journals – the kind where each partner writes or responds and an amazing keepsake is created.  A “Choose Kind Journal” based on one of my favorite YA books – “Wonder” by RJ Palacio – which I add to my growing pile.  There’s a journal for a mother and daughter. I stop and take a deep breath.  I would have loved completing this with her.  Why did I never see this?  I  I pick it up and contemplate purchasing it, but of my two daughters the one old enough would not be interested and the one who would be interested is not yet old enough.  I put it back.  But I find another, “A Mother’s Legacy Journal.”  I add it to my pile.  I will write my story for my children to find some day.

Some day.

At last my eyes dart to the right and land on a wire bound, hard cover, green journal with three four leaf clovers in the corner.

May you always walk in sunshine.

May you never want for more.

May Irish angels rest their wings

right beside your door.

-Irish Blessing

I was feeling like it was very promising as we are Irish.  So I opened the cover and one the bottom of the first blank, fresh, lined page there is an Irish Proverb printed:  “You’ll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind.”  Yes.  This is the one.  There is some stuff I need to get out of my mind.  I add it to my purchases and wince as I realize I have spent too much.  Oh well.

I pick up the kids, head home, play with the dogs, cook dinner, ensure homework is completed, do a load of laundry, and tuck in three children.

And now, I’m all alone with a green journal and my mind.  So now, I write:

Dear Mom,

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